


Lost Time

by lyriumnug



Category: Purple Hyacinth - Ephemerys & Sophism (Webcomic)
Genre: F/M, Fan headcanon child I named Daisy SINCE IT'S CUTE, Gen, I know Sophia is the big fan name but DAISY IS SUCH A CUTE NAME, It took me so long to write this because I kept thinking about Kywi doing dumb shit, domestic AU, domestic flangst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 16:01:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29887017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lyriumnug/pseuds/lyriumnug
Summary: She was so innocent. She couldn't comprehend what was around her or who her parents even were. She didn't know the world they lived in. She didn't know the kind of person he was. She didn't know how, with a single glance, she drove Kieran to a nervous breakdown.Domestic AU flangst where Lauren and Kieran have a daughter named Daisy who he is reluctant to hold. How long can he hide his fear?
Relationships: Lauren Sinclair & Kieran White, Lauren Sinclair/Kieran White
Comments: 9
Kudos: 59





	1. Lost Time

**Author's Note:**

> NOTE: I'm going to update it maybe today to make sure that the lie text is red (with my boyfriend help love u boo) but as of now anything that is a lie (other than one case of the word "her" in bold is meant to represent a lie).

She looked so much like him. 

When she opened her deep blue eyes, flushed with newborn weeps, Kieran's heart sank. The adrenaline of seeing her for the first time moved him to tears. He had Lauren convinced it was because he was happy, but internally he knew that the tears he shed were those of fear. 

_It'll be fine_ , he told himself. _You can take care of your own child. Yours and hers. Ours...mine._

"Kieran?" she started weakly, half-awake in the hospital bed with the baby cradle in her arms. 

She looked exhausted, but in a state of what Kieran could only describe as a specific state of bliss. Despite the sweaty red locks that stuck to her face and tire in her eyes, Lauren looked so radiant.

He turned to her, quickly pulling himself from his thoughts. "Y-Yes?"

Lauren yawned and lowered her eyelids slightly. "Can you put her in the bassinet? I'm really tired." 

He froze. He looked straight at her and he _froze_. 

"Y-You want me to hold her?"

"You don't have to," she said, already readily trying to hand her to him, "I just need you to set her down so I can rest." 

"Let me just move the bassinet over to you, then."

Kieran rolled the white woven bassinet over to the side of her bed, gripping the sides slightly tighter than he realized. 

"Is there any reason you don't want to hold her? Do you need more time to adjust?" 

After she put the baby in the crib, he sat on the side of the bed, taking his hand and resting it on her leg through the sheets. Despite his fear, he was still so in love with Lauren. He was so proud of her. 

"I...I suppose that's what it is," he admitted with a slight chuckle. "Aren't you worried?" 

"Worried about what?"

"That...T-That she'll…" Kieran trailed off as Lauren reached her hand to grab his own clammy one from her position. 

She gave him a knowing look, still recovering from the ordeal. "I don't know what you mean, but I'm sure Daisy won't do anything dangerous." 

"Daisy?" he stammers in surprise. "I thought you said you didn't have a name yet?" 

"She looks like a Daisy to me. Dylan used to tell me that daisies were symbolic of purity when we were younger. She's a blank slate. She can't read the world and she can't tell truth from lies." 

Lauren was right: she...Daisy was new to the world. She was so innocent. She couldn't comprehend what was around her or who her parents even were. She didn't know the world they lived in. She didn't know the kind of person he was. She didn't know how, with a single glance, she drove Kieran to a nervous breakdown. 

He looked at Lauren and gave her a warm smile, trying his best to maintain his composure. Even as his nerves flickered, she was the one who went through the pain. "As always, I appreciate your knowledge of flowers. I suppose I have him to thank for that."

"He used to make me flower crowns of daisies," she recanted as her eyes shut. "Maybe one day she'll wear one too...I'm...happy she's here."

Lauren's body slowly went limp, her grip in his hand softening as she began to drift to sleep. She wasn't awake to hear his response. 

"I am too."

* * *

“Shh, shh, it’s okay,” Lauren cooed at the doe-eyed baby in arms with tears in her eyes, praying in her head that their screams would stop, “I’m here. It’s _all_ okay, Daisy!” 

She had tried everything to keep the newborn at ease. Lauren rocked her, gave her kisses all over, tickled her, even sang to her at some point, as much as she despised her own voice. No matter what she did, however, nothing made Daisy happy or content. Even Aunt Kym couldn’t make her happy with her “legendary watermelon special”, or whatever she had called it. 

At this point, Lauren was on the verge of collapsing. With all the crying, she wasn’t able to sleep at all barely, and Kieran...Kieran was... _offhanded_ with Daisy, to say the least. He was barely home, preferring to be the one working until she could return from maternity leave. It wouldn’t have been such a problem with Lauren, hell it _wasn’t_ , had he actually been around to at least help take care of her. 

Eight days from the hospital and he refused to even touch her. She had hoped that while she got the four hours of sleep a night she was allowed that he would do something, but whenever she woke up he was always in the living room, sketching without a care in the world. He always made excuses. It was always _I have work to do_ or _I promise I'll help, darling_ , but every day since, he came home late at night as if trying to avoid them. 

Lauren found no reason to comment on it before. After all, she was still recovering physically and only thought about the well-being of their daughter. It only dawned on her when things got too hectic for even her to handle that this wasn’t something she should have to do alone. She would hold him accountable. She had to. 

She waited for him in the rocking chair that now sat in the living room, swaying Daisy back and forth in her arms and letting her play with her index finger until Kieran came home. It wasn't until almost eight o'clock that she heard the clink of the key unlocking the front door. 

"I'm back," Kieran chimed as he walked in, groceries in hand. He took off his coat and hung it on the rack.

Lauren yawned before standing with Daisy and walked over to greet him. "Welcome."

"How has everything been? Do you feel better?"

"I feel...tired, but what’s new," she hesitated, not wanting to escalate the situation too quickly. "I've barely left the apartment since she was born. It’s like sunlight doesn’t exist and is only a construct.” 

He chuckled and moved past her to the kitchen to set down the bags in his arms, barely making any eye contact with her. “I’m happy to inform you the sun still exists. I promise, if you step outside for a moment, it will _indeed_ still be there.” 

“Even at night?”

“Well...maybe not at _night_ , but certainly during the day.” 

“I’d love to see it sometime."

Lauren felt isolated, even somewhat trapped, in their small abode. Without him there, it was just her and Daisy, and while being with her pride and joy made her happy, it also made her exhausted. 

She sat herself on one of the bar stools and watched him put away the produce as their daughter stared at her with her deep blue eyes. _Why did you have to have his eyes,_ she thought. 

"Kieran, I…"

"You…want an apple?" he cuts in assumptively, placing one of the shiny red fruits in front of her before returning to the fridge. "They're Envy." 

"No, I don't want an apple. Listen, I want a break."

"A break?" he questioned, turning back to her for a moment. "Oh, from them. I'm sure they'll be fine if you sleep." 

"She won't sleep unless someone holds her. Nothing I do will make her stop crying. You would know that if you actually held her for once."

Kieran froze for a moment, his mind trying to think of another way to dismiss the idea. "I will...eventually." 

_That wasn't a lie, so at least there's that,_ she thought.

"Eventually? She's already a week old, Kieran. She's your daughter, too." 

"And in another week they'll be two weeks old, and in three she'll be _three_ weeks old," he listed. "It doesn't make much of a difference, does it?" 

"Doesn't make much of a dif-are you _serious_?" 

Lauren furrowed her eyebrows in what she could only present to him as confusion mixed with annoyance and anger. Through the years she'd known Kieran could be standoffish and languish his way through any conversation, but she had to draw the line somewhere. He was speaking nonsense. 

The baby stirred in her arms, reaching up to grab her mother's hand for comfort. 

"Lauren, a child is a...a _child_ , alright? If I didn't even look at her, it wouldn't change a thing. I'm still providing. I'm still doing what I must."

"What you _must?_ Funny you say that since I haven't even seen you look at her since she was born. What is your strange aversion to your own daughter?" she sharply asked as she rose from her chair and walked around the island to stand in front of him. 

Kieran tried to keep his face in the fridge, avoiding the situation at hand. He needed a way out, some way to keep his distance, so he retreated towards the living room. 

"I don't _have_ a strange aversion, for the last time. Why are you being so pushy about this?" he asked irritably, sitting on the couch and putting his head in his hands. He let his annoyance slip slightly more than intended and knew he would pay for it. "I work tirelessly because you can't and it's not enough? I don't know what else you want me to do for you." 

Lauren clenched her teeth in an effort to dispel the anger rising from her chest. Daisy was finally settled down for the night; if she became upset now, she would never be able to sleep. 

"Hold her in your arms so I can sleep," she demanded with intent, holding out the bundle in her arms to him. 

Kieran looked up, eyes suddenly reddened and slightly puffy as his hands clenched his knees. "Just put her in the bassinet."

"I'll ask you one more fucking time. _Hold._ **_Her._ **" 

He refused to respond. His eyes were blank, the shallow blue pools in his eyes now as deep as the ocean. He looked hopeless and ruined, but who gave him the right to? He wasn't the one who stayed at home, he wasn't the one who carried her, and he wasn't the one who held her. 

The last straw had broke. 

Lauren pulled Daisy back into her bosom, held her head against her chest, and shrouded her away before letting out the full extent of her pent up rage. "Why won't you _hold_ her, Kieran!?" 

"Why do you keep asking!?" he retorted loudly as he shot up, pushing the coffee table away loudly with his legs to create distance between them. The ruckus causes Daisy to stir awake and cry with even more fervor than she had before. 

"You act like I'm giving you the courtesy of deciding!? I shouldn't even _have_ to ask in the first place. You're her father!" she spat back, tears making their way down her hot cheeks as she hastily tried to rock the upset child in her arms. 

"Yeah? And what if I am? What does that make me? Any less of what I am?"

"What are you even talking about?" she asks deliriously, a smile of complete and utter disbelief itching on her face as she turns away from him before whipping back. "You know, it took me years to trust you again. _Years_ to believe you could be the type of person I'd let into my life. What happened to them?"

"Nothing! Absolutely nothing!" Kieran shouts, hands clenched at his side. He tried to resist the urge to grab whatever was near him and throw it at the wall. "I'm still the _same new Kieran_ I promised you I'd be!"

"Then why are you being like this? Why can’t you just be _present!?_ ” Lauren prodded, pushing her way into his personal space as the blood rose to her face. “You're acting like- like you didn't even _want_ -"

"Of course I wanted her!" 

Her eyes widened as she parted her lips in shock and stumbled back a step into the corner of the room. Silence passed between them as the only sound heard in the room was their own heavy breaths and the shrieked wails from within her cradled arms.

It had been years since he had told her a lie. He promised on their wedding day never to again. The vows he swore to never break crumbled right in front of them. 

"Y-You-"

"Lauren, _I can explain,_ I-" he began as he looked into her frightened tear dried face, her lip quivering, before his own sights roamed down to the crying infant, blue eyes filled with tears. 

As he reached out to her, she turned away from him and looked down at the bundle in her arms. "I...I wasn't sure I wanted children. I told you I was scared, I told you I was worried about how I wouldn't be prepared, but you said you would be fine with whatever I wanted to do. What happened to that? You didn't lie to me then, I-I don't understand." 

Kieran released the grip he held his fists in and took a breath as he leaned his head back and closed his eyes. Was there even use in explaining? The damage had already been done. 

"It was too late when I realized. You looked so... _happy_ , I don't know? I didn't want to hurt you again."

"Look where we are now. Do you think this is something we can just take back? I only said _yes_ to the idea because I thought you supported me. You promised you would be." 

"There's so much you don't understand, Lauren," he began as his mind raced for a reason to explain why he had been so horrible to her, if any a reason there could be. "I was raised in an environment where life was so meaningless. It was nothing more than a flipped switch. I saw so many infants...s-so many just…" 

Kieran trailed off and looked back at Lauren, her eyebrows threaded together in disappointment and her head tilted slightly to denote her own confusion. She didn't understand. She really just didn't get it.

"Lauren, I don't know how to be around children. Imagine if you saw puppies die around you every day and you've killed puppies. Would you want one for yourself?" 

"I've seen people die, I've killed as well. I'm a cop, Kieran. My own parents were murdered. Do you really think you're the only one? Are you that selfish?" 

"Of course I'm not, I just-"

"You just, what? Don't want to deal with it like I've had to?"

He walked towards her slowly. "It's not the same and you know that. I'm really sorry I haven't been there for you…"

Lauren looked deep into his eyes for the regret she wanted to see from him. It was there, but she wasn't in a place to forgive. She couldn't just let it go. It was only Daisy's weakening cries that alerted her to speak. 

"I'm...going to bed. You can do whatever you want, I really don't care anymore. I'm too tired to care," she bitterly replied to his apology and moved past him, not glancing to even see his reaction. "One of us has to move on for her, and clearly that's not going to be you, now is it." 

He couldn't form a coherent thought. Kieran had absolutely no defense. All he could do was watch in silence as the door to the bedroom closed in front of him. She hadn't even slammed it to show her pain, just shutting it slowly. The clink of the knob made his heart ache.

Without a thought, he found himself leaving the apartment and heading into the snowed down city of Ardhalis, silent in the moon's glow. Kieran needed to get away from her, purely for her own sake. She needed the space, he knew that. 

He lost himself in his thoughts as his feet moved him to the bridge they had met at so many years ago. He could still remember how radiant she looked that night, the gun in her hand threatening to shoot a bullet right through him without hesitation.

_The only question remains is...Do we have a deal?_

_Yes._

Kieran sat on the edge of the bridge as he recollected their first meeting. How could he have known that deal would lead to the most meaningful relationship he's ever held with another? Lauren Sinclair was no ordinary cop, not was she an ordinary woman, to say the least. She was bold, opinionated, calculating, and had wit that could slice his façade to shreds. 

What had he ever done to deserve her love? He thought about the fact that he cared for her so much but couldn't let his past go for her. It aggravated him. He swore to her he would move on. Kieran wanted her to feel safe around him, like the words that flew from his consciousness weren't in need of any observation, so why was he here. 

_I'm such an idiot...I don't deserve you_ , he thought, resting his cheek in his hand as it slid up to tousle through his hair, now dusted with small bits of snow. _Why can't I just move on for her...for them._

For the first time in months, the idea of their daughter popped into his mind. Unlike the previous times where she had been in danger or snapped under his grasp, she was...happy. Smiling. Lauren was right, she really did look just like him. She had his brilliant blue irises and eyelashes as well as Lauren's peach lips. Even the smile she has reminded him of her. 

A laugh escaped him as he thought of how Daisy may even, no, _definitely_ inherit her mother's signature habit to roll her eyes at him. The idea made his aching heart move further away from the idea of fear and more towards that of protectiveness, and that's when it dawned on him. 

His eyes widened as the realization came to his mind. Had he really been so caught up in his own trauma and psyche that he didn't pay attention to how the one he loved most was suffering in his stead and absence? Lauren may not have gone through what he had, but she had her own demons following her. He couldn't believe he was so selfish. 

Kieran hopped off the cold stone he had been sitting on and started to walk back towards their home before turning into a full on sprint. His chest huffed and hitched with every stomp into the sleeted snowy walkway. He needed to see them and make things right. 

As he approached the apartment, he opened the door as fast as he could. When it opened and he made his way inside, he prepared to call out to her to apologize but was met only with the screams he dreaded so much in the past. 

Closing the oak door carefully and turning on the light, Kieran slowly approached the bedroom. The yells got louder the closer he came. Unlike before, the sound hurt him more than scared him. Why was she so sad? 

The first thing he saw when it opened was his wife fast asleep, body curled around their light blue blankets and her puffy face so blank with exhaustion. She really was tired. He wanted to reach out and apologize, brush his fingers through her hair, but his thoughts cut short as his eyes darted to the bassinet. 

Daisy laid there fussily, tears streaming down her face and arms reaching out for some source of comfort. He rushed to her and didn't even think before picking up the baby and cradling it in his arms, an action that surprised even him. Kieran held her close to his chest as he observed Lauren and cooed down to her. 

"Shh, hey, hey, it's alright. I got you, I got you." 

Not more than a moment later, Daisy stopped her fussing entirely and looked to him with curiosity. She had seen him before, but something felt some comforting in his embrace. Her wailing mouth closed as she smiled up at him and reached out her hand. 

He took one of his fingers and hesitantly put it in front of her and she instantly reached to grab it with her entire grip and held on tight. 

"That's some grasp you have there, huh, kid?" he lilted with a chuckle, bouncing her slightly in his arms as he moved across the room. "You really have your mother's resolve." 

Something about holding her felt so natural to him. She was so small, so light, and so...precious. He felt his eyes soften and his lips curl into a smile.

The baby babbled happily and nuzzled her head closer into her father's chest. As much as she loved her mother, Daisy was definitely her father's daughter too. Maybe she liked him even more.

"You need to be quiet, love. Your mother's sleeping," he hushed as he sat on the edge of the bed near Lauren. "You've put her through quite a lot, you know." 

Kieran looked at her sleeping face and felt his guilty trickle back up. "I have too though, so I don't really have an excuse, now do I, Daisy? You're just a baby, you don't really know how your crying terrorizes her." 

Daisy stared up at him as he talked to her, though mostly it was just talking to himself through her. Either way, the sound of his voice lulled her eyes closed and she relaxed her hand. 

"I, on the other hand," he started with an exhale through his nose, "have been the worst to you both. I don't deserve either of you. There was a period of time where the thought of you made me quake in my boots. You really came into this world just to frighten the most dreaded assassin in this city. I didn't-I _don'_ _t_ want to ever hurt you. I promise, Daisy, I never will."

He watches as she yawns and slowly places her small form back into the bassinet just in time for Lauren to stir awake. 

"K-Kieran? What's wrong, where's-" she began before her eyes caught sight of the baby miraculously fast asleep. 

"It's alright, I handled it." 

"You? You mean you-" 

"Shh, it's okay, Lauren. I...look, I owe you an apology," he reached his hand out to rest on her leg. "I put my own fears above yours and Daisy's well being. I was being selfish and thinking only of myself. I've put you through so much and you continue to give me more support than anyone ever has. What did I ever do to deserve the humanity you give me?" Kieran broke down as ugly tears began to pour from him and he collapsed his head into his hands. 

She shot up from her place of rest and put her arms around him from the side, laying her head on his shoulder. "Kieran...we've both done things we regret. It wasn't a matter of deserving. No one deserves anything in this world. I chose to be with you because no matter how much pain you've caused me, no one understands me or makes me feel as loved as you." 

"I put my own past before our baby. I avoided her so I _wouldn'_ _t_ be a horrible father, but became one because I was avoidant."

"You never explained it to me before. This is one of those times you should have spoken up." 

"What I said before about not wanting her, I...God, how can I take that back. How could I possibly have said that?" Kieran groaned at himself, raising his face. "I mean look at her, she's _perfect._ She's so-"

"Small. Precious and small."

"Lauren, she _smiled_ at me. _Me_. Even _you_ don't do that." 

She snorted and cracked a smile as she released her embrace and sat him up next to her. "You managed to get her to stop crying? I wish you had had the emotional break through a week ago."

"Me too," he replied as his own smile crept back. "When I held her, she got quiet instantly." 

This time, Lauren's happiness turned into jealousy as she furrowed her brows. "Instantly? Come on, it's never that easy."

"No, really! I held her and she got quiet and laughed and babbled some nonsense." 

Between her enviousness and his whimsical expression, they both found themselves moving closer together as they watched their daughter peacefully breathing in her sleep. Kieran placed his arm around her shoulder and pulled her in. 

"Look, tomorrow, I'll take the day off and take care of her. You can sleep in. I'll even make you breakfast whenever you get up."

"That eager to _unshirk_ your duties?"

"I just want to make up for lost time, that's all," he replied contently as he pressed a kiss on the top of her head. 

This time would be different. This time, the flower he planted would grow. Their Daisy wouldn't wilt. 


	2. The Tree on the Hill (Epilogue)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue to Lost Time
> 
> I really took no time writing this, huh? Just some fluff to make up for me torturing y'all for literally no reason.

"Okay, now turn your chin up  _ just _ a little bit," Kieran said, motioning Lauren to adjust herself. At his signal, she tilted her head.

"Like this?"

"Just like that. It lets me see your eyes better." 

Ever since getting together, Kieran and Lauren made the decision to venture out of Ardhalis to the small hill with a tree overlooking the city once a month. Sometimes they would just lay together beneath it's branches, others they would picnic. This time was special, however. 

It was Daisy's first time up the hill. They wanted to remember the occasion. Well... _ he _ was more insistent upon it, noting that it was "the most important part of her childhood". Kieran didn't have many happy memories of his past and he wanted that for her: something to remember and smile at the thought of. 

Kieran took the graphite pencil from behind his ear and started to jot points in his sketchbook. He began to etch out the shape of Lauren, laying on the side and resting her head on her hand, with their six month old Daisy who nestled up next to her and babbled. 

By now, some of her hair began to grow in. It was a vibrant mix between his luscious dark hue and her striking auburn. But one thing stayed the same: the sparkling pools of blue that made his heart melt. 

He smiled at her, catching the infants attention. "You need to sit still, Daisy. A good muse stays  _ perfectly _ still." 

"Kieran, you know that's impossible. She's a ba-"

"Ah, ah, ah. Now  _ you're _ not standing still." 

Lauren rolled her eyes at him and looked towards their daughter, playing with her feet and smiling as if nothing else mattered in the world. She chuckled and poked her cheek, squishing it and laughing at how cute she was. 

"I guess you'll just have to make due." 

"I suppose this masterpiece could take a break for a moment," he lilted as he set down his journal and laid on his back next to them, wrapping an arm around Daisy and pulling her on top of his chest. "Helloooo Miss Daisy!"

A smile spread across her face as he looked up and her, making funny expressions to get her to laugh. She leaned further down and collapsed on top of him, nestling into his neck and slobbering all over his collarbone. 

"Aww, how sweet," Lauren stifled a laugh and sat up, propping herself on her knees. "also slightly messy."

"Why don't you join us down here, Mommy? We're having a grand old time, aren't we, little flower?" he asked her rhetorically in a funny voice, making Daisy babble on happily.

"Mumamamuma!"

He smirked and turned to look up at Lauren, blue eyes striking in the sunlight. "That's baby speak for yes, I just know it."

"Yep, you're  _ definitely _ the authority here," Lauren replied, shaking her head with a knowing grin. 

The light gust of wind blew by, making the stray strands of hair behind her ear fly lightly. In that moment he looked up at her and his eyes softened, a full smile inching on his face as though he were about to laugh. 

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing, Lauren. You're just...you're very beautiful, you know," Kieran said warmly, reaching his hand to rest on his thigh, eyes not leaving hers. "I lucked out."

She chuckled and stuffed the strand back behind her ear. Sure, Kieran was a schmoozer in the past, but in marriage he was just a man who loved his wife and never let a moment pass without mentioning it. 

"Pleaser." 

"Come join us. You can see the sun through the leaves from here."

At the sounds of what she could only assume was Daisy summoning her, Lauren laid down on his side and laid her head against his shoulders, using her other available arm to brush through her daughter's growing hair. 

"Glad you could make it," he welcomed, turning to plant a soft kiss on her forehead. 

"I want to make up for lost time. I wouldn't miss it for the world."

With the wind settling by and the sunset dawning on them, the family laid happily together. Daisy yawned and fell asleep on top of him, as did Lauren at his side. He wrapped his arms around the two of them and longingly glanced up at the sun streaming through the leaves on the tree until his eyes closed.

Here he could be at peace, where the memories didn't follow him. Here he could create new moments to reminisce that would stay in him and keep him going. There were no bombs, there were no lies, there were no hyacinths; only the three of them, sleeping peacefully under the shadow of their favorite tree on a hill. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! God if someone drew them like this I'd die happy. 
> 
> If you like Daisy I may write more 👀


End file.
